With Or Without You
by Sara11
Summary: *Ch.2 up!* What if Buffy had gone back to the church in "Beneath You", and how exactly did the Scoobies find out about Spike's soul? Spuffy!
1. Return to Me

Disclaimer: I own nothing. No Buffy, no Spike, no nothing.  
  
  
A/N: I'm not very good with insane conversation, so please bear with me!  
  
  
*****  
  
  
She was running faster than she ever had and her feet felt like they were about to fall off. She had walked so far from the church and it seemed to be taking her twice as long to run back over the path she had taken so many times. Countless times, even. Each for the same reason. Fight, run, slay, live. This time it was different, she was here for him.   
  
  
The picture of him draped over the cross, his body limp and helpless, little clouds of smoke rising from his body was imprinted in her mind. Only seconds went by when she didn't think about it, and it seemed that everytime her mind traveled back to him her feet, of their own volition, moved faster.   
  
  
She closed her eyes and let the oxygen heavily flow in and out of her body as she leaned against the church. Her breathing became slower, less panicked, and her hand grasped the cold handle attached to the church door. She pushed the door open not in a fit of anger or fear, but slowly so not to disturb the vampire who she had quickly left. She looked around as she stepped over the threshold. Her heart seemed to skip two beats when she noticed . . . that there was nothing. No one. Her mind quickly began to reel and she shoved back the tears forming in her eyes. She walked down the aisle, slowly at first, but faster and faster with each step she took. The broken pews at the front of the church passed by in a blur as she reached the cross where Spike's body once lay. Her eyes moved from corner to corner of the church, and still . . . no Spike.   
  
  
She shuffled her feet and felt small grains pry at the bottom of her shoe. Her eyes grew wide and she looked down to find what she already knew was there . . . dust.   
  
  
She placed her hand over her mouth, her eyes still wide and not blinking. She felt frozen. She squeezed her hand together and felt her cold fingertips press against her palm. A tear slowly rolled down the crevices of her face, followed by another. Her face was now cold but she couldn't bring herself to move. This was it. There was no more,  
  
nothing left. There was nothing now to do. She left him because *she* couldn't handle it, *she* was ready to process the information. If only *she* had been more willing, then maybe he'd still be---  
  
  
Buffy moved from her place as she heard the clank of something hard, solid, hit the floor, and felt the object hit her foot . . . a stake? She looked around but couldn't didn't find anyone.   
  
  
"Bad man was watching. Very, very bad man."   
  
  
Buffy gasped as the pale figure rose in front of her. He looked beaten, tired. Blisters, bruises, cuts, and burns were sprawled patternlessly over his chest. She blinked a few times, and even though he looked so torn and broken, she couldn't help but smile. Not a big smile, of course, but one that showed her relief to the fact that he was alive, or undead . . . still. She wiped it away quickly and concentrated on the vampire in front of her.   
  
  
"What man?" She asked, her voice, even to herself, seemed stern and cold. She watched Spike hesitate and she moved towards him. She asked him again, but this time her voice was more soft.  
  
  
"Spike, what man?"  
  
  
"Bad man. Wanted to hurt the girl. Wanted to hurt you . . . " He paused for a second and brought his eyes up to meet hers. She looked scared. He looked down again and muttered softly, " . . . like I hurt you."  
  
  
Buffy was taken back by his words, but quickly recovered.   
  
  
"Spike---"  
  
  
"I hurt him, though, I did. Before you, before anyone could reach. They all told me not too. Wasn't part of the plan, wasn't time yet. All were yelling, but I did it. I think they're mad at me, but I think I'm better. Maybe. Am I better? No. A-are you mad at me?" Spike looked up at Buffy, his eyes pleading. Her hand came towards him, softly touching his cheek. Spike fliched and moved back a bit, Buffy followed.   
  
  
"You're better. You worked for it Spike and you're better." She moved her hand from his face down to his chest, over his heart. Spike pulled away from her. He shrunk down to the floor, his knees pressed against his chest and his head resting againt a pew.   
  
  
"Work hard. William worked hard. He was a good boy. Not like me, not like that man. Evil. He was me. They're all me. All like me, all the same. Singing the same song. It's all to kill. Same song."  
  
  
"Vampire." Buffy whispered. "Spike, no. He wasn't a man." A beat."He was a beast, an animal."  
  
  
"Animal," Spike repeated to himself, "like me. Cold, dark, evil, all evil. Animals hurt people, not on purpose. And they're sorry and I'---"  
  
  
"Spike, no. He didn't have a soul." Buffy paused for a minute and crouched down next to him. She placed a hand above his ear and slowly began to stroke his hair. "You do." She stated firmly.   
  
  
Not acknowledging what Buffy had said, Spike continued. "It's all a game. Has been, will be. Nobody ever wins, not until the end. It's coming, the end. All over. Not gonna win," he looked up at Buffy,"you don't have the right cards."  
  
  
"Spike, w-what are you talking about?" Buffy asked, placing her hand on his shoulder.   
  
  
"I'm done. Finished. Tired." Spike said as he burried his head.   
  
  
Buffy stood quickly. As far as she knew it was no use. "Fine. I understand." Buffy took a few steps but turned back towards Spike.   
  
  
"Are you coming?"   
  
  
*****  
  
AN: Is it alright? Want more? Reviews are welcome. Infact, they are requested! 


	2. From a Distance

From a Distance  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill. Nothing is mine.  
  
  
  
AN: Spuffylover4ever556, RaB, Aurelia and Michelle thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciate them. They are what keep me writing . . . that and those who read my fics of course. Sorry for any errors in the last chapter. I was in a real hurry.  
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
  
Buffy watched the sleeping peroxide figure before her. The vampire she once fought, hated, and despised. The man she had spent sleepless nights with touching, caressing. Lips and tongues she danced with in a fiery passion that no one could touch. The fiend she used, abused, and tossed aside . . . was gone.  
  
  
  
He was a stranger to her, now. The smirked that used to always linger on his lips, the passion in his eyes, the way he made everything seem so simple . . . gone. It was all gone, all torn away. Guilt, anger, pain, and fear were all that lived inside him now . . . and it was her fault. He had gotten a soul for her, to make things right, to make it all work. But instead it drove him insane. She could see it was killing him inside, even in his sleep she could tell. The guilt lingering there, slowly eating away at his soul . . . and it killed her.  
  
  
  
She cared for him, more so than she ever imagined she would or could. The fear and rage that had coursed through her when she thought he was gone had punctured something inside her. She had learned, over the years, to shut herself down from the inside out to shield her from the pain. And that's what she had done. When she came back from her grave a dark year ago she shut herself down and nobody had been able to break through, not that she knew of at least. But for the few seconds she knew Spike was gone she realized that's just what he had done, he had found his way to her soul . . . and she liked it. Spike was the only one who knew every inch of her mind, body, and soul and she was okay with that. Did she love him? No, but it was more than just lust and desire. It was a true need for him and a true caring that lived inside her. She couldn't begin to imagine what her life would be like without him, and she didn't want to find out.  
  
  
  
She would never tell him this, of course even though she wanted to, she ached to. She couldn't let herself be vulnerable towards him, not now. She would just have to be there for him, everyday to let him know that he had someone . . . that he was appreciated . . . needed.  
  
  
  
"Buffy . . . "  
  
  
  
Buffy was ripped from her thoughts at the sound of his pleading voice. She turned to face him but saw he was lying the same. Body twisted from tossing and turning, eyes sealed shut.  
  
  
  
"Sorry. I'm so sorry . . . " he murmured in his sleep. " . . . wasn't supposed to . . . time . . . gone, all gone . . . bad man . . . I'm sorry, no I'm so sorry . . . no, no, no, no . . . "  
  
  
  
Buffy prepared herself for what was coming next. This hadn't been the first time he talked in his sleep, and every time it was the same. He would murmur, sigh, whimper, and say things she didn't recognize or understand, then it would come. The screaming. He would scream so hard, loud, and deep that it made her cringe and sent a chill down her spine. To think what he had gone through to get his soul . . . the things he must feel now. She couldn't even begin to imagine.  
  
  
  
"No! I didn't . . . no! Mhhhmmmmm oh God. . . AARRGHHH! NO! NO!"  
  
  
  
Buffy closed her eyes as more screams filled the room. She had tried before to wake him up when this happened the first time, but it didn't work. She tried the second time also, but again she failed.  
  
  
  
She sat for a few minutes but was unable to stand his screams and cries. This was the longest it had lasted and it seemed worse then any of the times before. His cries were more of a pleading and begging for . . . help? Love? Death? She didn't know, but what she did know was that it had to stop. He didn't deserve this. She slowly climbed out of her chair walking over to him, carefully placed herself on the floor next to him. She sat up on her knees and called his name.  
  
  
  
"Spike." She said softly. Nothing, of course. She shook her head a bit and ran her hands through her hair. "Spike!" She shouted, her voice purposely harsh and cold.  
  
  
  
"GOD! I'm . . . NO! Please oh . . . HELP ME!" He screamed. Buffy's bottom lip began to tremble as she saw tears begin to leak from his tightly shut eyes.  
  
  
  
Slowly, she reached out her hand and placed it gently on his cheek. She stroaked the curve of his cheekbone with her thumb and, hoping he would hear her wherever he was, began to whisper.  
  
  
  
"Shhh. Spike, it's alright. Come on. Shhhh. Come back to me, Spike. I need you."  
  
  
  
He was still for a moment but then began to toss again. She kept her hand where it was as his tossing became harder.  
  
  
  
"Come back to me. Come on, Spike. I need you now. Come ba---" Buffy yelped as his hand quickly came up and grabbed her arm. He pulled her down close to him and his eyes shot open. They were bloodshot and full of anger and rage.  
  
  
  
"What," he began to speak, his voice hard and cold, "makes you think that I need you!? What makes you . . . NO!" He pushed Buffy back and she watched, perplexed, as his eyes turned soft again. His icey blues showing sympathy and guilt. Then it was gone. His eyes were squeezed shut again and he was tossing and turning.  
  
  
  
Shocked, but not ready to give up, Buffy moved closer to him. She had seen part of him in his eyes. He was there and he needed her. Buffy felt something surge through her and she placed her hands on each side of his face. She breathed in slowly and leaned forward, gently placing her lips on his in a soft, chaste, and tender kiss. He didn't respond to the kiss, but instead she felt a small pain and realized that his teeth and scratched the surface of her bottom lip. She moaned in pain a bit, but proceeded, softly, with the kiss. His tossing began to slow and she felt his lips, slowly, begin to move in sync with hers. His tossing stopped and so did the harmonious movement of their lips.  
  
  
  
The room was quiet now; the only thing heard was the humming of the dryer. Buffy pulled back, wiping a bit of the crimson liquid from her lip, and watched as Spike fell back into his trance.  
  
  
  
Buffy sat still for a moment before she realized her hands were shaking. She clasped them together tightly and her body began to tremble. She slowly laid herself next to him, closed her eyes, and, seeing how there was no point in fighting it, let the tears flow freely.  
  
  
  
*****  
  
  
  
I know this was short but I didn't have a lot of time and wanted I to get another chapter in. Sorry! Please tell me if you like!  
  
The more the reviews the happier the author which means more frequent updates and longer chapters! 


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